Josh stood on a patch of springy, green grass, filtering nicotine through his clenched teeth. He knew today was going to be an emotional day but he had hoped his extended family would focus on the task at hand and not uproot dormant issues. Hopes are for suckers.
Josh pursed his lips around his disgusting habit and inhaled as the rest of his family greeted one another, passed around consoling hugs and handshakes, nodded and dabbed at their eyes.
Josh had been among the small crowd, prepared to mourn alongside his family over the loss of his grandfather, Chase. Mary, the one surviving offspring of the man who’s memory Josh had been obsessing over the past few days, had a less than thrilled greeting to offer and an all too familiar chronic raised eyebrow when it came to Josh’s lifestyle.
“Did you come alone?” She eyed the parking lot behind Josh, her right eyebrow being predictable.
“Yes.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound very supportive.”
What do you know about being supportive? He didn’t come because this is about Chase and not an excuse to drag my boyfriend out to be criticized!
These were the words that came up as Josh’s optimistic smile faltered. He had clenched his teeth, forbidding the words to progress past his tongue, as he reached for the pack of Djarum’s. Mary’s tweaked eyebrow finally rested over the brow bone as she muttered “disgusting habit” and turned to greet more worthy people. Josh had moved to a green patch of grass to exhale the fact that this indeed was going to be an emotional day but needed to pull through and pay his respects to the man he owed so much to.
Josh had chose a pew a few rows behind Mary - who planted herself in the front on the right, near the closed casket - and most of the other family. The service, planned by Mary, had been full of biblical readings despite Josh not recalling his grandfather every being a very religious man. Not surprising. During one particular passage regarding sin, Josh noticed Mary slowly look to her left, searching the faces there. He imagined her one unhinged brow judging them from her holier-than-though perch, undoubtedly hoping to come across his own face. No luck. Her attention went back to the speech at the podium.
By the time personal farewells had come up on the agenda, Josh had already been willing his tear ducts to hold steady. After the first few volunteers had said their peace, Josh’s face was a soggy mess. They told stories, recalled memories - some Josh had heard but most he had not. Josh knew his grandfather well but only through stories and recollections Chase chose to share. As Josh suspected, his grandfather was a very humble man.
“If no one else would like to share, we can move on to the closing hymns Mary has prepared.”
Mary had straightened her posture at the mention of her name, in sync with Josh’s knees locking in place to lift his sorrowfully slumped body. He made his way up the right of the pews, dragging his palms across his leaking eyes in an attempt to dry them and shield them from oncoming looks.
Mary looked to her left to see if anyone had volunteered to speak, snapped her head back to match the gaze of everyone else and met Josh’s eyes behind the podium. He could see the shock in her eyes.
“Chase was my grandfather,” Josh started, his eyes investigating the pattern in the wood of the podium. “He was also my father figure when that ass -” Josh blinked and swallowed, “my dad walked out on my mom. I learned a lot from him. He taught me to take care of my mother, he taught me how to treat another human being and, even though he may not know it because of the Alzheimer, in these last years he taught me to love someone for who they truly are and not who they seem to be or who you think they are.”
Josh looked up again toward Mary who was looking down at the ground. “There’s a lot of crap in this world, we’ve all had our share, and I’m grateful to have had this man beside me when my mother - his daughter - died. He may not be here to guide me anymore but I will cherish his life lessons and hope to be a portion of the person he was and do right by him. I know that no matter what anyone else thinks of me, the wisest man I’ve known saw fit to love me for who I am.”
Josh took a deep breath and walked back to his pew feeling lighter.
As the ceremony came to a close, guests piled out the opened door. More consoling, some hands patted Josh’s shoulder and one grabbed his elbow. Josh turned to see the heavy, wet eyes of Mary.
“Josh, I want you to know what a moving speech you made.” She managed a light smile. “I had tried to be as great of a person as my father once and I think I lost my way. I’m sorry for the distance I have put between you and I since the passing of your mother. We each found our peace with it in our own way. Sometimes I think my father was blessed these last few years, being able to relive a time when she was still alive.”
After a few moments of silence, Josh had opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Mary’s request.
“Will you please take my place as pallbearer?”
Josh’s mouth was dry, his adam’s apple stuck in gear and his eyes threatened a monsoon, but he blinked and slowly nodded his head, taking his place next to his hero.
A very emotional day indeed.
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