I need to share this so that it will never get lost again. I wrote this in 2003, senior in high school. I submitted it in 2007 to my college literary magazine. It was accepted and then won first place. I was asked to read it in front of an audience. While I don't write anymore, I still think back on this accomplishment and remember how honored I felt and felt deserving of it (rather than those poetry contests where everyone wins and you're like 'serious? I submitted that ironically'). People I showed it to said that I was brave for writing this and brave for reading this and I'm definitely glad I did. So here is my poem.
Deeper
I am from a childhood caught on tape
bathing, giggling, teething.
I am from a Stater Brother's backyard
combing a dolls hair on the kitchen floor.
I am from the yellow brick road
and Pee-Wee's word-of-the-day.
I am from sitting at the kitchen counter
after three hours and cold pea soup.
I am from singing and laughing,
from tickling and smiling.
I am from one to another.
I am from church;
God's palm in one hand, junior bible in the other.
I am from Christmas Eve afternoon: step-dad's family.
I am from Christmas Eve night: Mom's family.
I am from Christmas morning: our house.
I am from Christmas afternoon: Daddy's house.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from watching children's hands
bloom red under and angry ruler.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from stories of overturned cars,
just one I cared for.
I am from stories told different ways
blaming different people.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from the loss of the only one I had.
It's enough to break anyone.
I am from salty pillowcases and troubled nights.
I am from wrong being right being wrong
Which always was.
I am from secrets, shhh, secrets.
It's enought to break a child.
I am from "I love you"
I am from "I love you" and I don't believe it anymore.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from anger around me where
I place myself.
I am from nightmare's of enjoyed rape
and awaken with the urge to empty my stomach in the toilet.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from somewhere you can't go
because I built it and stay there, in here.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from a mother who thinks she understands
because she found the secret.
I hate it.
It's enough to break a child.
They scream, they yell, they cuss, I cry
to myself. "Don't you dare let them see."
It's enough to break a child.
I am from breaking so many times,
yet the pieces will not fall. They sit,
hang, pull, but will not fall.
It's enough to break a child.
Broken would be better than this place I've trapped myself.
Just a child.
(3.17.03)
9.19.2011
9.12.2011
Update on life
Listening to: Flyleaf (Grooveshark.com)
I haven't blogged in months and there was a lot that was missed.
(This is us at California Adventure) Krys (an ex) came to visit earlier in the year and while we only scheduled to see each other once, she ended up extending her trip and I got to see her multiple times, including going to karaoke with her father and soon-to-be step-mother. I enjoyed that time.
(us at Little Tokyo in Los Angeles, I really like this picture)
(us tinted blue because we're at the Aquarium of the Pacific).
Went on a week vacation with Stuart and his family and extended family. I really enjoyed it despite the fact that I was worried I'd be smothered by socializing. I got a new car one week before the trip to be sure we didn't have any car problems driving out there (to Arizona/Utah - Lake Powell). I said I probably wouldn't be going next year because of the cost... but I honestly think if Stuart wants to, I'd like to go again. I enjoyed his family and extended family and I believe they enjoyed me as well.
Within the span of a month, the general manager at my work was laid off (the position was no longer necessary), one co-worker put in his two-week notice with the intention of returning to school, then three other co-workers, one after the other, put in their resignation with other jobs lined up. I festered, angry I couldn't go anywhere because I had no skills (and I couldn't get a job doing what I already was because it turns out our company doesn't use industry standard programs), I watched the ONE news reporter we had bend and fold under pressure, I saw our ONE sports reporter scramble to create a sports section he only became familiar with a few months prior and I saw panic and confusion seep through our tiny building.
In August an announcement was made; Pagination department was being moved to another location about 30-45minutes away. I was given the opportunity to keep my job (for no extra pay) or be laid off. I chose to be laid off. Before I chose, I cried. This was the third time I was being laid off and I'd promised myself I wouldn't come back after strike 3. That meant it was over for real this time. My future was a big lump of uncertainty, but I was certain that our company wasn't doing well and my position had no room for advancement, and since I'd been quietly musing to myself for months how wonderful it would be for them to lay me off so that I could look for another job while getting paid and not having to stress over the company woes anymore, it was really time to leave.
I signed up to be a consultant for Scentsy (www.nicholeo.scentsy.us) and so far I'm enjoying it. I feel I've been successful but I think it's just the initial pumped up start and won't keep this pace forever. It's occupying some of my endless free time and that's what I need. Still no answers back on resume's, but I won't start freaking out about that until 3 months of unemployment.
Regarding my living situation; in August Stuart and I left the 'Scum Mansion' to rent my old childhood home (still owned by my parents). We are living with Joyousenne, whom I've known since I was 19, and another couple who will be moving out at the end of October (otherwise there will be lots of tension). I'm enjoying it, being able to utilize the whole house instead of being restricted to just my room. We don't have to hide our food in our room anymore. I get to choose trustworthy roommates and this makes me happy.
So for now, my future is kinda just floating in Limbo. Not sure what I want to do, but I am going through the motions of trying to be responsible with my money and applying for jobs just to show proof of trying.
I'll try to blog a bit more, get some shit off my chest. Because honestly, I have no excuse not to... I've got all the time in the fucking world.
I haven't blogged in months and there was a lot that was missed.
(This is us at California Adventure) Krys (an ex) came to visit earlier in the year and while we only scheduled to see each other once, she ended up extending her trip and I got to see her multiple times, including going to karaoke with her father and soon-to-be step-mother. I enjoyed that time. (us at Little Tokyo in Los Angeles, I really like this picture)
(us tinted blue because we're at the Aquarium of the Pacific).
Went on a week vacation with Stuart and his family and extended family. I really enjoyed it despite the fact that I was worried I'd be smothered by socializing. I got a new car one week before the trip to be sure we didn't have any car problems driving out there (to Arizona/Utah - Lake Powell). I said I probably wouldn't be going next year because of the cost... but I honestly think if Stuart wants to, I'd like to go again. I enjoyed his family and extended family and I believe they enjoyed me as well.
Within the span of a month, the general manager at my work was laid off (the position was no longer necessary), one co-worker put in his two-week notice with the intention of returning to school, then three other co-workers, one after the other, put in their resignation with other jobs lined up. I festered, angry I couldn't go anywhere because I had no skills (and I couldn't get a job doing what I already was because it turns out our company doesn't use industry standard programs), I watched the ONE news reporter we had bend and fold under pressure, I saw our ONE sports reporter scramble to create a sports section he only became familiar with a few months prior and I saw panic and confusion seep through our tiny building.
In August an announcement was made; Pagination department was being moved to another location about 30-45minutes away. I was given the opportunity to keep my job (for no extra pay) or be laid off. I chose to be laid off. Before I chose, I cried. This was the third time I was being laid off and I'd promised myself I wouldn't come back after strike 3. That meant it was over for real this time. My future was a big lump of uncertainty, but I was certain that our company wasn't doing well and my position had no room for advancement, and since I'd been quietly musing to myself for months how wonderful it would be for them to lay me off so that I could look for another job while getting paid and not having to stress over the company woes anymore, it was really time to leave.
I signed up to be a consultant for Scentsy (www.nicholeo.scentsy.us) and so far I'm enjoying it. I feel I've been successful but I think it's just the initial pumped up start and won't keep this pace forever. It's occupying some of my endless free time and that's what I need. Still no answers back on resume's, but I won't start freaking out about that until 3 months of unemployment.
Regarding my living situation; in August Stuart and I left the 'Scum Mansion' to rent my old childhood home (still owned by my parents). We are living with Joyousenne, whom I've known since I was 19, and another couple who will be moving out at the end of October (otherwise there will be lots of tension). I'm enjoying it, being able to utilize the whole house instead of being restricted to just my room. We don't have to hide our food in our room anymore. I get to choose trustworthy roommates and this makes me happy.
So for now, my future is kinda just floating in Limbo. Not sure what I want to do, but I am going through the motions of trying to be responsible with my money and applying for jobs just to show proof of trying.
I'll try to blog a bit more, get some shit off my chest. Because honestly, I have no excuse not to... I've got all the time in the fucking world.
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