OUaT Journal: Add to second journal

I thought the previous journal was difficult to add to because it didn't really have a lead into what should be happening, only really laid out a setting and a few characters. The new partner's journal came in, I read it and realized how well written the first one was! This second one is PACKED with too much information and practically is a full story in itself! It's rushed, it's convoluted and I had a task set in front of me to slow it down and make sense of it for the next person.
Here is the beginning of the story which my partner started, including errors:

Once upon a time in a far away land there were two princesses one named Anna and one named Amanda they were very rich and had everything they ever dreamed of, Diamond rings, beautiful dresses, Big spacious bedrooms to themselves, when old enough fancy cars to drive, but they missed one thing their Brother a prince Brian had been kidnapped from his bed one night when he was about 3 years old. They were older and no matter what they offered it seemed no one knew anything about him they had searched for twelve years with no luck. Then when Amanda the younger princess was sixteen she met her dream boyfriend though he was very poor barely had enough food to eat and his clothes were thread bare and his shoes were obviously too small and his hair was very long and stringy seemed it had never been cut. But he had the best manners and treated her like any gentleman should he opened doors and pulled out chairs for her, walked her to the door and all of the other polite things gentlemen do for their ladies. If they went out though she always had to pay for things because he was so poor he couldn't even pay for a coke to split between them. This didn't matter to her because she was in love. His name he said was Douglas and she called him Doug just to make it a little shorter. They dated all through high school and they Both went to the same college at Brewton Parker in Mt Vernon, Georgia. Her parents knew they were in love and so they paid the way for both of them. Amanda became a teacher and Douglas studied Law and while Amanda taught first Grade at a Elementary School near Harvard Law School Brian went to Harvard and Became a lawyer. Anna by this time had also met a guy named Steve at ABac where she earned a degree in nursing he was also in nursing with her and they fell in love and married and had three kids Aneika, Athena and Albert and she also continued her search for her brother she feared the worse that he had been killed but no one had found a body so she still hoped one day to see him again someday.

After Law school Amanda and Doug decided it was time to get married and they went to get marriage license which required a blood test. It came back that they were related so they got to figuring things out and asked Their mom Tina and Dad if they had any clue what was possible so they submitted a request for a faternity test between them and Doug guess what they found their long lost brother and son turned out Doug was there son Brian that was kidnapped when he was 3 years old. It was a happy but yet sad time for Amanda because they were sibblings neither of them could be married it was against the law for sibblings to be married.

So instead of getting married they drove back to Georgia to be reunited with Anna there sister. They didn't tell her they were coming nor the secret that they discovered. So Anna and Steve were so glad and surprised to see them she thought they were married so they went to a locally owned and operated seafood Restaurant where they had fresh lobster and fried shrimp with cole slaw and French Fries. After the Delicious meal Amanda and Brian (he decided to start going by his birth name) revealed their secret. Anna at first didn't believe them until she seen the papers with all the proof. She was so amazed and happy to meet her Brother from her past so many years ago. They laughed and talked about their few short years that they grew up together and caught up with things from that point on. They spent the next week enjoying one another then Amanda and Brian returned to Texas where they were now living. Brian and Amanda promised Anna and Steve they would keep in touch and they did by letter, phone and visited each other at least twice a year.

For a long time no one discussed what had actually happened so many years ago it was like the taboo subject. But one day when visiting with Anna the subject came up and Brian said when he woke up he was told that the couple Jenifer and Richard was his new Mama and Daddy at first he cried for his real family and everytime he did they beat him with a belt so hea learned fast that he had to not cry no matter what he felt. He was later placed in a foster home due to neglect and abuse but was even then scared to reveal the truth. His foster parents wasn't much better than his real parents. They took the money the state gave them to buy Alcohol and drugs. He was in the home with Two other foster children and the couple had two of their own children. So after he revealed this Anna and Amanda encouraged Brian to go to authorities. They then confronted his kidnappers and while in jail awaiting trial again for neglect of another child they had kidnapped and was caught up with they admitted they saw this cute little blond headed and blue eyed boy some 20 + years ago shopping in Walmart with his mom and dad and followed them home then when the family was sound asleep that night they broke a bedroom window and took the child quietly so they didn't disturb others sleeping in the house and ran to New York where they thought they would never Be caught. When Brian started school they had Jenifers sister Tina which worked at ta Health Department make a phony birth certificate so he could go. They provided him with handmidown clothes or clothes they found in dumpster until he started dating Amanda he had never had a set of new clothes nor new shoes he had to make do with what little they provided. They didn't ever cut his hair said it was too expensive. His foster parents was just as bad they didn't care how he looked only thing they had to do was make sure they bought food with the food stamps the state gave them. The state never once checked on his well being though many teachers questioned Brian about how he was treated they never followed up on the information that Brian gave them.

They went to court and the judge actually wept after hearing the story of the Life of Brian. He said Brian was a shocking story of how the state and officials had been a failure and set another court date requiring everyone Brian could remember and give names of to appear in court. Brian represented himself since he was a lawyer. Anna and Amanda both were there to support him morally during the month long trial for the Judge and jury to decide what to do with the many people that had mistreated and abused Brian over his life time. Brian held nothing back he wanted justice for all of the many sufferings he went through during his childhood. In the end the judge decided to...

So that was the story I had to work with. Way too much in it (5 pages and the handwriting actually gave me a headache) but I did my best to slow down the pace, but not abruptly and gave it a reason to be slowed down. Here's my entry.

... make this case an example by passing a new law. The new law said adopted and foster children needed to be checked on more and be issued a psychologist.

Bryan was happy it meant future kids might avoid what he went through but still felt personally cheated.

One day the doorbell rang and Bryan answered it to find a stranger who introduced himself as Deitrich. This man was a scientist and said he read about the trial in the newspaper and wanted to help.

"I know you did this to make them pay and they are not. I have a way for you to fix it, but it's dangerous. I have made a time machine but haven't tested it yet. Just before I was going to try, I read your story and know you deserve to try it first."

Bryan felt honored to try to fix his past. He knew he would miss his sisters but knew this was his chance to get the real life he was supposed to have back. He packed a few personal items and went with Deitrich.

The time machine got a tune-up while Bryan wrote a letter to his family. Deitrich gave Bryan instructions and stood back as the machine went to work, focusing on the year, month, date and location Bryan had input. He held tightly to his seat and closed his eyes as the time travel machine hissed, buzzed and violently vibrated.

A high pitched screech filled the tiny space before everything stopped. Bryan unclenched his teeth and hands and slowly looked around the cabin. Nothing looked out of place, though it was a bit cloudy; maybe smoke.

Bryan slowly opened the door. Before it was even fully opened, Bryan already noticed something felt different. His actions felt slower, more detailed. He noticed faint scars on his hands as the door fully opened.

He recognized the location which he landed - a park near the house that his sisters were raised, the house he should have been raised in.

So while one might assume the time travel machine had worked, Bryan still felt odd. However, it wasn't a bad odd - in fact, he heard a small voice in his head that this world felt more right than the one he came from.

In this world, everything seemed more colorful, detailed and lively. When he began slowly making his way toward the house, he noticed the sound the grass made under his shoes, the light breeze playing through his hair and a light trace of music the breeze brought from the nearby town square.

Bryan smiled and neared the large house at 221 Valient Boulevard. He made his way up the walkway, heels clacking against the pavement. He took each astep in beat with the distant music, raised his arm to press the doorbell and heard the chimes sound inside. The distant orchestra stopped and Bryan's smile faultered.

What are you doing?! Bryan thought to himself. Rather, it was actually a voice in his head whispering frantically in his ear.

You're a stranger! Do you even know what you're goin to say? 'Oh hi. Just passing through town, your son is going to be kidnapped!'

The voice was right, Bryan realized. He looked around as sweat collected on his brow, realizing there was no where to hide and trying desperately to think of a story for being at their doorstep.

His ears threw up a warning; faint footsteps from inside the house. His eyes darted to the newspaper on the porch near the first step. He hurridly grabbed it, stood straight and looked at the date. The time machine had done its job; the date read July 4 and the front door opened.

The man who answered the door was a young version of the father he knew in the other world. Although confused with the stranger at his doorstep, a smile continued to brighten the face of the father Bryan never had.

It's true they had reconnected when the blood tests had come in and revealed the confusing news, but his father was weathered  by the years of stress and worry and Bryan had felt the father-son relationship he had longed for would never come to fruition.

But that was in that world. Here in front of Bryan was an untainted man who very much still had the capacity to be a loving father.

He is a father, dummy. There's a 3-year-old you in there somewhere, said the voice matter-of-factly.

"Can I help you, sir?"

Bryan's arm shot out, the newspaper in it, but he was much too far from the door to actually hand it to his father. He had been examining this new version of his father closely, and with the depth of details in this new world, Bryan had a false sense of the distance between them. He gave a nervous smile.

"Hi there, just picking up the paper for you," said Bryan. "Must be a busy day for you if it's still out here this time of day. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Not at all," Patrick stepped forward and grabbed the paper. "How can I help you?"

"Well I was actually heading over to visit family today and my car broke down just out of town. I was wondering if I could use your phone to call a tow?" Bryan felt a relief, as the story had just fallen into place.

"Hmmm," Patrick's face had a little confusion on it. "Broke down outside of town and this is the house you come to?"

"Oh, well I tried other houses but no one would answer the door," Bryan explained. "I thought it was the weirdest thing and almost thought this nice place may have been abandoned or something, but then I heard the music over there and realized everyone must be out celebrating. Your house was my last stop before just heading over there. My feet are just killing me. I didn't expect to be walking today."

"Ah yes, my wife and children are there right now," Patrick laughed a little. "I suppose it is weird that I am the only one who is at home, Independence Day is a big celebration for this town. I was just on my way out actually."

Patrick turned and locked the door. "You won't get a tow on the phone today. I'll take you into town and find Roger for you. He runs the shop but today is running the grill." The infectious smile never left his face.

"Besides, you can celebrate with us for a bit." Patrick motioned to the driveway where his car was parked.

Bryan followed suit...