Uncertainty

Watching: How I Met Your Mother

It is 5:30 a.m. as I begin to type this. I went to bed around midnight, woke up around 2 a.m. and tossed and turned for about an hour before I got up to take my laptop to the living room (where someone was watching the above noted television shows).

In the last 2 weeks I got off my anti-depressant meds and I was so proud of myself because I don't wanna be dependent on pills my whole life. I thought it was going well, and last week I was sick (cough/cold) and was in a bad mood and I upset a friend but I blamed my bad mood on my illness and being cooped up with no one to hang out with. But today my mood was everywhere. I was in a great mood this morning, felt good about myself and had plans and I even called to tell my mom that I love her (I rarely do that - sad, I know), but when I got to work my mood declined.

I was jittery because of the coffee and lack of food I had, I was on the verge of crying multiple times (I welled up a few times) and I felt like puking. I wanted to come home and truly cry, but Stuart had friends over and I had already locked the confused overflow of emotions away.

During the worst of the evening I got a thought in my head that made me well up real bad - maybe this was all coming upon me because I was off my meds. Maybe I need my meds. Maybe I'll be on meds my whole life. My cousin eased my nerves by saying that just because I find that I'm not ok without meds, doesn't mean I've failed or am weak, it just means that I need some help. And at least I know that the help works. But I'm not willing to call it quits yet. I'm going to consider this to be just a bad week.

But on a light note, I had an amazing night with Erin the other night at Burlesque Bingo which is basically a Burlesque show where the girls dance on a large Bingo board and drop their clothes on numbers. I was so excited when I heard about that. I've always wanted to see a Burlesque show and this was pretty close. The venue it was at was NOT prepared for something like this and it was sad because the show probably could have been great. I then found out there are Burlesque classes in Riverside ($200 I'd never spend on it, but just know it's an option is nice) AND that there is a free workshop in May at CSUSB for Burlesque. I wonder if I can get someone to go to that with me. I was thinking of asking Joyousenne because she's a student, but we never got around to going to the Harry Potter thingy at U of R and that makes me sad.

Gifts for me :D

WATCHING: Saturday Night Live

Alright so here's an update on some gifts I got myself. For some reason I've been super excited about makeup lately. I don't even wear it often. So I'll introduce my order from Sugarpill (sugarpillshop.com) that came in the other day. I will use their website photos because I don't have a very good camera.

This is Poison Plum. A pressed eyeshadow that has a little shimmer in it. $12

This is Stella. A loose powder eyeshadow that is, at its base black, but has every color in glitter that you can think of. It's like a sparkly rainbow on a black background. $12

This is Hysteric. It's a loose purple eyeshadow that has a lot of glitter in it as well. Pretty much all products from Sugarpill have glitter or a light shimmer to it. $12

I also got a sample size of this loose eyeshadow called Junebug. I haven't tried any of these yet, but I will try them soon.

Here is a necklace I bought from Etsy. It was listed as a Guardian Angel necklace. It is essentially a house key with some intricate wire wound wings behind it.

I also got myself along with Stuart a membership to a new local gym called Anytime Fitness. It's a year membership so... kinda stuck now. I figure Stuart and I aren't going to move out of here anytime soon despite how much I want to and this gym is so close and it's 24hrs which is great for me because I'd rather go workout after work rather than before (and I don't usually get off work until after 9pm).

Another gift for Stuart is clothes. I planned to give him like $100 giftcard to somewhere, but I think it's going to be less since the gym membership wasn't actually planned into my gifts for him. He has 4 gifts now.

I'm also in the process of sending out holiday cards to friends, mostly Gaia friends. :D

Oh, and before I end this, I'll share a few photos from a fun-filled day at Vince's in Ontario to celebrate their 65th anniversary. I went with Erin and we had a blast. I got a pinup calendar, delicious food (of course), saw a spaghetti eating contest, got my hair done rockabilly style and got a photo taken with Erin (who also got her hair done and bought a hair clip).