It is 5:30 a.m. as I begin to type this. I went to bed around midnight, woke up around 2 a.m. and tossed and turned for about an hour before I got up to take my laptop to the living room (where someone was watching the above noted television shows).
In the last 2 weeks I got off my anti-depressant meds and I was so proud of myself because I don't wanna be dependent on pills my whole life. I thought it was going well, and last week I was sick (cough/cold) and was in a bad mood and I upset a friend but I blamed my bad mood on my illness and being cooped up with no one to hang out with. But today my mood was everywhere. I was in a great mood this morning, felt good about myself and had plans and I even called to tell my mom that I love her (I rarely do that - sad, I know), but when I got to work my mood declined.
I was jittery because of the coffee and lack of food I had, I was on the verge of crying multiple times (I welled up a few times) and I felt like puking. I wanted to come home and truly cry, but Stuart had friends over and I had already locked the confused overflow of emotions away.
During the worst of the evening I got a thought in my head that made me well up real bad - maybe this was all coming upon me because I was off my meds. Maybe I need my meds. Maybe I'll be on meds my whole life. My cousin eased my nerves by saying that just because I find that I'm not ok without meds, doesn't mean I've failed or am weak, it just means that I need some help. And at least I know that the help works. But I'm not willing to call it quits yet. I'm going to consider this to be just a bad week.
But on a light note, I had an amazing night with Erin the other night at Burlesque Bingo which is basically a Burlesque show where the girls dance on a large Bingo board and drop their clothes on numbers. I was so excited when I heard about that. I've always wanted to see a Burlesque show and this was pretty close. The venue it was at was NOT prepared for something like this and it was sad because the show probably could have been great. I then found out there are Burlesque classes in Riverside ($200 I'd never spend on it, but just know it's an option is nice) AND that there is a free workshop in May at CSUSB for Burlesque. I wonder if I can get someone to go to that with me. I was thinking of asking Joyousenne because she's a student, but we never got around to going to the Harry Potter thingy at U of R and that makes me sad.
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